the benefits of ✨spite✨ or navigating intrinsic vs. extrinsic motivation

the secret reason you keep dragging ass on the things you "allegedly" want to do

Two things I know to be true about my authentic self:

1. I've always been insufferable

2. I'm drawn to extremes

Let's be clear: This isn't a cute self-deprecation play. Socrates (another famously annoying guy!) said, “Know thyself". And I do. Being insufferable is my default setting. I have to consciously dial back my intensity the way regular people have to remind themselves to drink water. Without active intervention into my own thought processes and consciousness, I fear I would be a human wrecking ball.

With this Rosetta Stone for understanding the MP Experience, it shouldn't shock you to learn I had an 11-month zero waste phase in my mid-twenties complete with a mason jar of shame that I carried around like it was the environmental equivalent of a Birkin bag. I had eco-anxiety and I was going to make it EVERYONE’S problem!

It will also not be surprising to learn that with this absolutely lethal combination of attributes, I’m deeply motivated by spite. At one point, it was my primary fuel source.

When a runner ex-boyfriend told me it would "take years" for me to work up to running a marathon, I signed up for the Chicago Marathon THE NEXT DAY. Six months later, I crossed the finish line with a Boston-qualifying time. (In a plot twist that literally anyone with eyes saw coming, that somewhat toxica relationship didn’t last)

I got into sewing not because #cottagecore aesthetic captured my soul. No, I saw some adorbs toddler pants online for $80 and my brain went full "In This Economy?????" mode. I thought, "seems easy enough to make," with the delusional confidence of a millennial woman who’s watched too many glossily edited DIY kitchen tiling TikToks.

Anyway, I bought a used sewing machine on Offerup from a twentysomething girl at the end of her crafting journey (RIP comrade), thrifted some cute fabric, and yeah, turns out my delusional ass is right sometimes because I whipped up a pair of pants for my 14-month-old in like two hours.¹

I know how this reads. It's not very Wellness Person™️ of me to admit that when someone tells me I can't do something, my knee jerk reaction is to mentally prepare a PowerPoint presentation titled "Watch Me, Ass Bag" complete with an appendix and a bibliography. As I warned you, I am drawn to extremes, and this isn’t necessarily something I like about myself but it is the truth.

I want to blame my Scorpio moon (classic), my ADHD (trending!), my childhood trauma (relatable), my undiagnosed whatever ( ¯\(ツ)/¯ ) for this less-than-flattering fuel source. But instead, I've chosen to befriend my inner spite demon.

Because when spite peeks her little head out from around the corner like that one Kardashian meme², it's just a clue for me that there's something here *draws circles with pointer fingers in the air* I want.

And thankfully, when I clock my overreaction³ in real time I’m able to pull myself back from that ~extreme~ response and instead of going all scorched earth on the person who doubted me, I can actually transmute the spite into motivation.

I've been talking about intrinsic and extrinsic motivation like I'm being paid by the word lately, probably because 37% of my weekly conversations with friends, clients, students, and the ghosts who haunt my dreams orbit around the eternal question: "Why am I having a hard time starting this thing I supposedly want to do?"

Intrinsic motivation is the fuel that it comes from within, makes you lose track of time, wakes you up at 3 AM with ideas, and feels connected to your soul's purpose. The call is coming from inside the house, but it’s not a serial killer it’s actually a sweet baby angel!

It's when we’re inspired to do something by:

• pure enjoyment

• curiosity

• mastery (little dopamine hit every time you level up hehe)

• capital P Purpose

• autonomy or to individuate

Extrinsic motivators come from outside yourself. They're the external rewards and consequences that help you stay on track when your intrinsic motivation is on vacation without cell service.

Think:

• recognition (the validation you pretend not to need, but let’s be honest we ALL need some form of external recognition)

• financial rewards $$

• deadlines (the stick)

• competition, because having something to compare yourself to helps you contextually define yourself

Here's the thing the spiritual gurus selling you manifestation courses won't tell you: extrinsic motivators aren't the villains of the story.

Hell, I’d argue that extrinsic motivators like jealousy or my homie spite are actually little blessings wrapped up in ugly packaging. When I get jealous of something that someone else is doing, that’s an instant indicator to me that there is something about what that person is up to that I would like for myself.

When a friend tells me she's making $250k working at Google and my jealousy flares up like an unexpected pimple before a first date, I track it like a reddit detective piecing together celebrity drama:

• Am I jealous of that Succession-level paycheck?

• Am I jealous of working somewhere that makes people at parties go "ooooh" instead of "what's that?"

• Am I jealous of that corporate stability that comes with dental insurance and free snacks?

• Am I jealous of the validation that comes with someone saying "we'll pay you obscene amounts of money because you're worth it"?

AH, turns out I don't really want a job at Google (imo the free lunch is NOT worth those performance reviews); I want the recognition for my skills in the same way they're being recognized for theirs.

Once I identify the root of my jealousy, it dissipates. Poof.

Spite works the same way.

If someone said, "I don't think you're capable of climbing Mt. Everest," I'd say, "You mean the frozen graveyard of hubris? Yeah, neither do I, and I couldn't care less because that sounds like the worst vacation since Fyre Festival."

But when my spite-sense tingles like a trash Spider-Man, it's a clue there's something I actually want buried beneath the emotional muck … and if I can Veronica Mars my way to the bottom of it, my response can provide MORE clarity on how exactly to do the thing I want to do.'

I initially thought it would be cool to maybe run a marathon because I wanted to see what my body was capable of (intrinsic motivation), but my ex telling me I couldn't do it gave me the push I needed (extrinsic motivation) faster than you can say "red flag." I could’ve pushed my body’s limits in a million different ways — through certain workouts or other types of competitions. But my reaction to his disbelief made me realize the idea of competing in a race like a marathon was really exciting to me. That excitement was the fuel that got me through training.⁴

Sewing knockoff designer baby pants has been fun, but the satisfaction I feel when I put on a dress I’ve sewn and customized for myself is waaaaaaaaaay more motivating than saving money. (But saving money is nice, too!)

And at this juncture in my life, I seem to have many projects that are almost totally intrinsically motivated. Things I want to do just because I think it would be fun, like host an art show in my backyard. As a result, there are quite a few “that’d be cool” ideas just sitting in my [SOMEDAY] project category.

I know that to kick myself into gear on these types of projects (if that’s how I want to approach them — sometimes nice ‘n easy is the best way, sometimes 2 fast 2 furious is more correct) then I’ll probably need to source some extrinsic motivation to get my ass moving.

Maybe I’ll use the art show as a vehicle for adding “curator” to my CV; maybe I’ll charge $5 for entry and donate the money to orgs rebuilding Altadena; maybe I’ll rally my friends to make pieces for the show and the idea that I’m supporting their art practices is the fuel I need to start organizing. The extrinsic motivator I go with will totally inform the way this project ultimately comes to life… and isn’t that fun?

This emotional decluttering process focuses motivations — does applying to business school because your former boss said you'd never get in spark joy? Or does what you really want exist somewhere between "proving them wrong" and "building something meaningful"? Maybe the spite is pointing you toward starting your own business instead, which feeds two birds with one scone: satisfying that craving for external validation while honoring your intrinsic desire to create something on your own terms.

I know that for myself, I need a balance of intrinsic motivation and extrinsic motivation to get into action.

And while sometimes the extrinsic motivation screams louder than an air horn, if I take the time to track my intrinsic motivation, I'm more likely to:

• Figure out the correct vehicle to get me to what I want (without detours through six different hobbies or failed attempts at getting started)

• Stay motivated through the boring middle parts or the tricky section

• Remain on course without getting distracted by the next shiny object

• Stay essential, efficient, clear-minded, and unstuck

Ultimately, this process is CLARIFYING AS HELL. And when you know what to do, it’s way easier to get started.

So next time you find yourself fixating on that person you want to prove wrong or spiraling over someone else's success, maybe pause before immediately exiling those feelings to the shadow realm. Get curious. Ask what they're trying to tell you about what you actually want.

The "undesirable" emotions aren't the villain in your story—they're the chaotic sidekick trying to hand you the treasure map while setting something on fire. Pay attention to what they're pointing at, not just the flames.

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1. Even a broken clock is right twice a day!

2

3. ngl this took an embarrassingly long time to learn

4. Here’s some more weird MP lore: After my first marathon I ran 5 more over the course of like, 2 years??? I was really interested in seeing what my physical “edge” was, which eventually led to me running an ultramarathon (31 miles) through the forest of Mt. Hood. I kid you not, the minute I crossed the finish line, it was like the running demon was exorcised from my body. I immediately and violently lost all desire to ever run more than five miles again. Intrinsic and extrinsic motivation both satisfied, I suppose.