in defense of self-sabotage
What if self-sabotage is... fake?
As I share this piece with you today, I'm keenly aware of our world's stark contrasts. The fires in Los Angeles have devastated so many including the types of people I live to serve — creatives, healers and practitioners, small business owners, craftspeople, artists. The creative community in LA is facing the unthinkable task of rebuilding their lives from scratch. These fires — an urgent reminder of our climate emergency — have transformed thriving neighborhoods into landscapes of loss. Here’s a list of the GoFundMe pages that are less than 20% funded, Mutual Aid LA megalist, and a list of emergency funding resources we’ve put together for small business owners and creatives impacted by the fires.
As they have for far too long, families in Gaza continue to confront the brutal combination of conflict, winter cold, and severe food shortages. I’m linking to the Palestinian Children’s Relief Fund and World Central Kitchen (which is also doing amazing work in LA) who are working tirelessly to provide essential support where it's needed most.
These realities sit heavily with me as I publish this (pre-written) piece meant to support creative, intuitive people on their path. Every act of kindness, every gesture of support matters. They all help weave a stronger web of human connection and care. If you enjoy my writing or find value in this post, consider offering support to the above. — MP
Last week I went full tender-hearted therapist mode about feeling "blocked" (tldr: you're never blocked, perceived blocks are actually plot points in your hero's journey, etc etc). Today I'm coming for another wellness industry darling that needs to be lovingly yeeted into the sun: self-sabotage.
The wellness industrial complex has birthed many cursed trends — butthole sunning, "quantum healing" marketed by people who didn’t pass high school geometry, and an entire genre of retreats that are just eating disorder enablers with better PR.
But perhaps its most diabolical creation is the concept of self-sabotage, a term that gets thrown around with the casual frequency of Netflix cancelling my favorite shows after one season. (pour one out for KAOS, we hardly knew ye)1
The Allure of Self-Sab
Now. Do I understand why "self-sabotage" is the go-to villain origin story when our lives feel particularly chaotic? Of course. It's a Taylor-Swift-in-her-Reputation-era level of satisfying narrative. I am the problem? I'm the one standing in my own way? How deliciously dramatique.
Have I personally labeled things as self-sabotage before? Duh, naturally.
I've accused my inner saboteur2 of everything from procrastinating on marketing campaigns to dating men whose only personality trait was owning a Peloton. One time I ruined a perfectly lovely dinner by starting a 45-minute argument about the phrase "gin martini" being redundant. (A martini is GIN BY DEFAULT unless specified otherwise — I will die on this hill while fully acknowledging I'm stepping into "well actually" guy territory. The cosmic joke is I don't even drink martinis anymore, which feels spiritually aligned with my general commitment to having extremely strong opinions about things that don't affect me.)3
A Sexy Unique Scam
But here's the thing about self-sabotage — it’s about as real as Selena Gomez’s regular “social media breaks.” Which is to say: it's a performance we've all collectively agreed to believe in, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
What if the thing that you perceive as self-sabotaging action — even if is deeply antagonistic to your conscious desires — ultimately does get you closer to what you want?4
What looks like self-destruction from the outside might just be your subconscious doing her best Succession season finale work — dramatically clearing the deck for whatever comes next.
Change is ouchie. — William Shakespeare
In order to change, the pain of staying the same has to outweigh the pain of changing. It has to be more uncomfortable to stay than it does to evolve.
Because change is always uncomfortable, even when it's good change. Moving in with my partner was objectively delightful, but finding a new morning routine that didn't involve eating cold pizza over the sink at 6am while pensively reading my notifications from The Pattern app? Deeply destabilizing. Painful, you might say.
Building new habits (even habits you’re excited about that brings you pleasure) feels like trying to convince a cat to take a bath — technically possible but, wow, so much resistance.
Choosing to do things differently is painful at first, even if you like the direction you’re oriented toward. Change takes effort, and effort is inherently uncomfortable and painful.
The wellness industrial complex would have you believe that difficulty means you're doing something wrong. But difficulty is just information; sometimes it means "this isn't for you" and sometimes it means "keep going, you're about to level up." The trick is learning to tell the difference. (This is why I love Feldenkrais — it's all about creating change with minimal effort because apparently we don't actually have to suffer to evolve. Revolutionary.)5
And the idea that we're "standing in our own way,” like some giant menacing version of yourself is blocking the road like an evil Kool-Aid man is hilarious. Blocking the way to what, exactly? Some Instagram-filtered version of success that looks like a Reformation dress made sentient? The manifesting babe Promised Land where we vision board our way into seven-figure businesses while maintaining perfect gut health? Our vague and ambiguous “ultimate potential”?
S.S. = Highest Self in drag
Maybe what we call self-sabotage is actually your highest self doing her best Kris Jenner work and manufacturing juuuuuust enough drama to get you to the next season of your life. Sometimes you need to spectacularly blow up your life to realize you've outgrown it. Sometimes you need to get so uncomfy that the only option is to move.
How would your life be different if you knew — like, really knew, down in your bones where you store all your secret, unspeakable opinions about Harry Styles6 — that you couldn't possibly self-sabotage?
That even your messiest choices were actually serving your evolution? That every "yiiiiikes" moment was just part of your character development? That you couldn’t fuck up your destiny or your purpose or your fate or whatever even if you tried?
The next time you're tempted to accuse yourself of self-sabotage, try remembering this instead: You're not ruining your life. You're not blocking your blessings. Every step eventually leads to the next. Go get weird with it.
(And if you need me, I'll be here, probably still having outsized opinions on cocktails I don’t even really drink anymore. We all have our little quirks that make us who we are, and that's actually…. incredibly gorgeous of us 😇)
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And the OA. And Mindhunter. Bring back Mindhunter! I love J. Groff playing against type.
Many of you who study archetypes probably are familiar with Carolyn Myss’ take on The Saboteur. Carolyn is def on my Metaphysical Board of Directors, and while it might seem like we’re on opposite sides on this idea I have a feeling we might just be saying the same thing with different language.
Don’t get me started on [REDACTED]
There’s probably an entire series I could write on the connection between paradoxical moves / self-sabotaging action and how both inevitably lead to collapsing or jumping timelines… but I ain’t writing that right now so just listen to this ep on Paradoxical Moves and noodle on it for a bit.
Oh my GOD, dude, one of my teachers said, “Difficulty is not a prerequisite for life,” the other day and… the wopt I wept.
I’ll give you a hint, and it’s Pleasing.
The way your essays always delight me while lightening the emotional load is nothing short of actual magic
Gorgeous writing, thinking, philosophizing as ever! Your thesis reminded me of one of my fave quotes from Anne Lamott:
“When a lot of things start going wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born—and...this something needs for you to be distracted so that it can be born as perfectly as possible.”